12/05/2014

making a house a home

I've been living here for almost seven months, which seems ridiculous to me. Some days it feels like I've just moved in, whereas others it feels like I've been here for years. For the first few months, I felt like I was just playing house, and that an adult would be along at any moment to take reign of their home again. I didn't feel fully comfortable. Coming from a busy (read noisy) family home, to our own little abode, the house seemed too big, too quiet. Especially once Caelen had gone to bed, and I'd be left sitting on the couch in this big old house, listening to the clanging of the pipes as they heated, and the random creaking of the house settling.




First on the list of requirements was a television, to break up the too quiet nights. Personal knick-knacks, photos and soft furnishings came soon after. A crammed bookcase looms in one corner of the sitting room, a throwback to when my brain functioned properly and I was rarely without a book in hand. Crayon scribbles on pastel hued paper, Caelen's first "artwork", adorns the fridge. A growing collection of teacups, some holding little odds and ends like lip balm and screws, others on the windowsill with herbs waiting to grow. A set of screwdrivers to make me feel like a DIY queen. 






Of course, there's still so much that has to be done to make this house more like home. Caelen's room still needs to be decorated before he can move in there. The front garden needs a good weeding and a lick of paint. The back garden needs its fence given another coat of paint and to be fixed up so it looks less like a jungle. The curtain pole in my bedroom needs to be fixed. The wardrobes need a good clearout and the bed/floordrobe in the spare room needs to disappear. The stairs needs a hoovering. It's not perfect, it's old and dated and I don't want to pour too much money and time into a rented house. It's not pretty, but I do my best. When I had Caelen, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to give him the kind of happy childhood I had. Here, in this house that we call home, I'm beginning to see it all come together.




 

08/05/2014

Late Night Ramblings

So, I've known Tommie for almost a decade. Eight years of randomly bumping into each other on nights out, drinking shots, him walking me home while making him carry my shoes, saying hello by crotch kicking and more than enough embarrassing photos. And maybe, just maybe, a drunken kiss once upon a time. But until the end of last year, I never really saw him as anything other than a friend. Now, everything has changed. I had sworn off men, and relationships, for the foreseeable until he changed my mind. Now, I love him. It's a crazy world.


sad faces in February 2011


But, is there really any going back from saying "I love you"? If our relationship was to end in the morning, what would become of our friendship? More and more, I've been thinking about this. More so now because I've got more to lose. After the breakdown of my relationship with Caelen's dad, I vowed not to throw around the "L" word, without really meaning it. I didn't want to let someone into my life, and into Caelen's, on a whim, for something fleeting. While I know I'm more than happy in this relationship, I still worry. I come with with more baggage than Louis Vuitton. I also have a son, who will always be my number one priority. It's a lot to ask someone to take on, in any shape or form.

I like to think I'm older and wiser now. In some ways at least. But with matters of the heart, I always feel a little lost. I don't want to get hurt again, especially when you add Caelen into the mix. But at the same time, I can't let life pass me by. I never thought this would turn into a relationship, and certainly not one that seems to be going well. I guess I assumed that he'd get bored with me, or with my not so exciting lifestyle, and things would fizzle out.

Quite a lot of it is insecurity. I don't feel like I'm good enough for the person that does so much for me. That cooks me meals at the weekend. That does the grocery shopping when it's miserable out so I don't have to go out in the rain. That'll entertain Caelen when he wakes up way before he's meant to so I can nap on the couch for an extra hour or two. That makes me feel attractive for the first time in a long time. That turns up with flowers or wine when I least expect it. All that, and so much more. I feel like I don't have anything to offer him in return.


drunken faces in March 2014

I'm not so good with words. I'm not good at talking about how I feel. Sometimes, I get scared. In a world where at times everything seems to go against me, I'm afraid to get too comfortable. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel. After the fuckery of the last two and a half years, he's one of the better things to have happened to me. While it's only been a couple of months, he makes me happy, and I hope that lasts. No doubt he'll read this, and I'll be more than embarrassed tomorrow when our weekend starts early, but sometimes you just have to let it all out.