Late Night ramblings #2

So, the title is somewhat misleading, I know. I wrote this post last night, but couldn't bring myself to publish it. Since I know that my ex reads this blog, I'm always a little cautious about what I write. But this morning, I decided I don't care. This is my little corner of the internet, and while birthday wishlists and photos of barbecue drinks are all well and good, sometimes you just need something a little more "real". I've always admired bloggers that shared more than just fluff, and I used to write about a lot more personal things before. So, what the hell, here it is in all its unchecked glory.

Tonight, after putting Caelen to bed, I sat down with a cup of tea to have a quiet minute or two. Instead, I got sucked into "What To Expect When You're Expecting". When I say that I watched it, it's a stretch. Mainly, I sobbed into my tea and felt ridiculous, repeatedly. In fact, it's still on, and I'm still crying. And feeling ridiculous.
I refused to watch it when it first came out. Friends had asked me to go to the cinema to check it out, and every time I refused. I was heavily pregnant when it came out, and my story was less than stellar. My ex had disappeared after the news of my pregnancy had broken, only to reappear in the last few weeks to cash in on the glory. The last thing I needed was to watch Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez and co's picture perfect lives.
So, some things I definitely wasn't expecting when I was expecting....
To have to tell my ex's family that I was pregnant. Alone.
To have to choose, and buy, a crib, pram and everything else that comes with a baby. Alone.
Doctors appointments. Alone.
Scans. Alone.
Choosing those first little babygrows and scratch mitts. Alone.
Pre-natal classes. Alone.

But this is far from a "woe is me" story. Yes, it was hard. Yes, sometimes I feel bitter. Yes, again, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if things had been different. If I had gotten pregnant with someone who actually gave a damn, instead of someone who only showed an interest in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I lied constantly through my pregnancy about his involvement, creating a false little bubble. I convinced family and friends he was being supportive and looking forward to the baby, when in reality I didn't know where he was for weeks.

At the time, I was weak. I was hormonal, and scared. I thought I needed him around. I couldn't see myself parenting alone. But apart from those first few weeks, I am a single parent. But I don't parent alone. I have a great network of family and friends around me. I have an extremely supportive boyfriend, who knows that I'm a grouch in the mornings, and that most of our time together will be at my house after Caelen is gone to bed. Where most men would shy away from the idea of having a relationship with someone who has a child with someone else, he stepped up to the mark, a fact that still makes me smile.

Blame it on the hormones if you will, but back then I thought I wanted the typical family setup. Mom, dad and baby. Living happily ever after. Though when you're in certain situations, there will never be a happily ever after. I wasn't happy with my ex. I just tried to make it work because I wanted Caelen brought up in a proper family. But today, what does make a proper family? 

Caelen has quite a big family. His grandparents, and uncles, who dote on him and watch him so I can go to work. His great-grandparents, and grand aunts and uncles, who he spends time with a couple of times a week. Cousins who love to spend time with him. His great-grand uncle John, who lives next door to us and always has time for fun with him. And fresh eggs and strawberries from his garden. 

So, while I didn't get a stereotypical family unit, I'm better off. I'm not unhappy in a toxic relationship, and that bad relationship isn't affecting Caelen. Instead, he has an extended family to rival any others. I don't think Caelen is lacking in anything because his parents are not together. I can't see how it would affect him in any way, when he doesn't know any different. And if a day does come that he asks questions, I want to be able to be honest with him. Everything I've done, every decision I made, had his best interests at heart. I fought to bring him into this world, and once he's happy and safe that's all that matters to me.


Days Like These

Some days are infinitely better than others. Days when I wake up to the sun streaming through the window, I'm off work, and can do things with my number one little guy. Recently, the weather has been fantastic. Our days have been filled with park trips and paddling pool dips, barbecues with my favourite people and an ice cold drink or two to wash it all down.

While I really enjoy having a fire lit (fun fact: I couldn't light a fire until I moved into my current house) and snuggling down with cushions and blankets, nothing quite beats sitting in the sunshine hearing your child's laughter as he splashes water at your bare legs. On days like these I'm even more glad that I reduced my hours at work. These sunny days with Caelen are one's I'll never get back.

Summer, you're a bit of alright. Won't you stay for a while?


Things I've Learned In The Space Of A Day

Tonight, my youngest brother came over for a barbeque and some World Cup time with Tommie. The barbeque was a spontaneous decision, but lovely. We even had enough to share with my grand-uncle. But, to relieve myself of the boredom of watching eleventy million matches, I decided to document the things I've learnt and come to realise tonight. Some are ridiculously true, others are steeped in fiction. It's up to you to decide which are which.

1. Skin tags aren't tears.

2. Homeless men make great pets.

3. Wifebeaters look amazing on toddlers.

4. Football is a useless sport. I will never understand it.

5. My brother is quite the popular little Casanova.

6. Having people crack my fingers will never feel normal.

7. These life lessons make absolutely no sense. The World Cup has turned my mind to mush.

8. I can't type for shit.

9. Cider tastes better out of jam jars.

10. I have abysmal taste in music.

11. "Turtles make good ashtrays" - Tommie's groundbreaking addition to tonight's post.

12. People come and go, but chocolate is constant.

13. I dislike people reading over my shoulder, and commenting every three seconds,

14. I like POTATOES. This is a lie. Tommie is a dirty liar who is trying to take over this post.

15. My balls are itchy

16. I actually don't have any. This is a conundrum. (Or, at least Tommie typing again)

17. Apparently, I have four balls. Not including ovaries, as they too are balls. My boyfriend is an out and out genius.

18. I like to have my head scratched, but only by people with no nails.

19. Sitting with my back to the TV seems to be the best option.

20. Sometimes chocolate appears in my mouth, which means I don't have to share with the other people in the room.

21. Tommie seems to get a kick out of harassing me with popcorn. First at the McBusted concert, and again tonight. I don't like this "tradition".


Birthday Wishlist!

So, as it's my birthday at the end of the month, I've been thinking about presents. Obviously. I'm actually not really good with presents, I love picking out things and giving them to other people, but receiving them makes me feel a little awkward. But everyone's got a wishlist, right? Little things in the back of your mind that you'd like, but couldn't justify buying them for yourself. Maybe they're a little bit too expensive for your budget, maybe they're just too much of a luxury you don't "need". But hey, a girl can dream.

Birthday Wishlist!

1. Diana camera. I got my first camera for Christmas when I was eleven. Even though it was bulky and useless, I loved it. I used to save up my pocket money to get my photos developed, and I have a few boxes of old embarrassing photos lurking around the house now. After buying a cheap disposable camera when we were in Dublin, I realised how much I missed film cameras. Not so much the photos themselves, but the idea of having to wait to see what the pictures actually look like. In a time when everything is instant, it's a novel idea to have to wait.

2. Irregular Choice shoes. I have a deep love for Irregular Choice. Ever since my first pair that I bought second hand off a friend, that my dog later chewed to ribbons, I've been hooked. I'm lucky enough to own a few pairs, but I can't help checking out new ones from time to time. These ones would certainly perk up my drab old wardrobe!

3. Thomas Sabo charms. These charms are really close to my heart. A couple of years ago, my oldest friend in all of the land bought me a beautiful pearl Thomas Sabo bracelet, and charms to go with it. And then for any milestone, she'd add another one to my collection. Caelen, with the help of his nana, got me another one for my first Mother's Day. While twenty seven isn't a milestone as such, I'd like to add another charm to hang among the others on my wrist.

4. Naked palette. I think I'm the only person in all of the land not to have one of these. To be honest, I never really bought into the hype until recently. I don't wear much makeup, but when I do, I like to go all out, even if it is a daytime trip to the cinema, or a walk to the shops. Since Caelen is usually running around and trying to steal my makeup brushes while I'm attacking my face, it would be so much easier to have a selection of pretty eyeshadows all together in one place. At least, that's my reasoning for wanting to own it, and I'm sticking to it!

5. Topshop flower necklace. I'll admit, I love me some big old jewellery. I don't often get the chance to wear it these days, but you can never have enough, am I right? I saw this in store a few weeks back, but saving for Dublin meant I couldn't splurge. Sad face!

6. Q&A 5 Year Journal. I've been eyeing these up for about a year now, and it's been sitting in my Amazon basket for almost as long. Something always comes up when I remember it though, so in my basket it's remained. I'd love to start this on a particular day. And since New Years Day is a million years away yet, isn't a birthday the perfect time to start? I'd love to be able to sit down five years from now and read about what I was thinking on each particular day.

Obviously there are many things on this wishlist of mine, but most are just a pipe dream at the moment. A kitten, or a puppy, or both. A holiday in the sun. A Macbook (yep, I'm all about the hype for that one!). A new iPhone - since the lock button on mine is gone bockety on mine, I've started to resent it just a little. More photo frames so I can finally hang the thousands of pictures I have of Caelen. A new tattoo and a septum piercing. Oh, the list is endless!

Hey, who wants to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

Dublin, In Pictures

It's time to blow away the tumbleweeds and brush the cobwebs off this poor neglected blog all over again. Every time I write a post, I vow that I'll get better at it, and each and every time I fail. I like to think it's because I'm too busy, but with a broken netbook and a humdrum little life, there's not much to write about. But June is different. June is always my favourite month, mainly because it's the month of my birthday. And birthdays are a little bit awesome, even if it does mean waking up to a thousand more grey hairs and a face full of wrinkles, right?

At the beginning of the month, I was lucky enough to escape Tralee for a few days, with Tommie in tow. Early one Sunday morning, I left my son in capable hands and left him for longer than a day, for the first time since he was born. While I thoroughly enjoyed myself, it's not something I can see myself doing in a hurry any time soon. Instead, any future trips will be kid-friendly too!  

But while I was away from Caelen, I was determined to enjoy myself. And so, many cocktails were downed, the McBusted concert was attended (separate post coming soon!), fancy brunches were eaten, and a whole lot of time was spent lazing in bed in our rather tastefully decorated hotel room. Which we obviously classed up even more with supermarket wine and tumblers we'd taken from the bathroom. 

Years ago, I would have wanted to leave my mark on a new place. Visit the hot spots, drink myself silly and generally live it up. This time around, I was more than happy to have a nice meal and a few quiet drinks with Tommie, and head back to the hotel for a good night's sleep. I think that means I'm mentally older than my almost twenty seven years! Even though we didn't go up to Dublin with a set plan, we did manage to fit quite a bit in. Eating and drinking, meeting my uncle for afternoon drinks, McBusted, wandering through the shops in Temple Bar and the most obvious, finding the perfect present to bring back to Caelen.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but I feel so grateful.  Grateful for my parents that help out with Caelen, and realised that I needed some time away, not from Caelen, but from Tralee. Grateful to have someone in my life that realises that a lot of being with me involves a lot of sitting in my house watching Game of Thrones and listening to me being a moany old woman, and puts up with it anyway. Grateful to have Caelen, who amid the "terrible two's come too early", never fails to put a smile on my face. Life is pretty good now, and I hope it stays that way.