24/06/2014

Late Night ramblings #2

So, the title is somewhat misleading, I know. I wrote this post last night, but couldn't bring myself to publish it. Since I know that my ex reads this blog, I'm always a little cautious about what I write. But this morning, I decided I don't care. This is my little corner of the internet, and while birthday wishlists and photos of barbecue drinks are all well and good, sometimes you just need something a little more "real". I've always admired bloggers that shared more than just fluff, and I used to write about a lot more personal things before. So, what the hell, here it is in all its unchecked glory.

Tonight, after putting Caelen to bed, I sat down with a cup of tea to have a quiet minute or two. Instead, I got sucked into "What To Expect When You're Expecting". When I say that I watched it, it's a stretch. Mainly, I sobbed into my tea and felt ridiculous, repeatedly. In fact, it's still on, and I'm still crying. And feeling ridiculous.
I refused to watch it when it first came out. Friends had asked me to go to the cinema to check it out, and every time I refused. I was heavily pregnant when it came out, and my story was less than stellar. My ex had disappeared after the news of my pregnancy had broken, only to reappear in the last few weeks to cash in on the glory. The last thing I needed was to watch Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez and co's picture perfect lives.
So, some things I definitely wasn't expecting when I was expecting....
To have to tell my ex's family that I was pregnant. Alone.
To have to choose, and buy, a crib, pram and everything else that comes with a baby. Alone.
Doctors appointments. Alone.
Scans. Alone.
Choosing those first little babygrows and scratch mitts. Alone.
Pre-natal classes. Alone.

But this is far from a "woe is me" story. Yes, it was hard. Yes, sometimes I feel bitter. Yes, again, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if things had been different. If I had gotten pregnant with someone who actually gave a damn, instead of someone who only showed an interest in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I lied constantly through my pregnancy about his involvement, creating a false little bubble. I convinced family and friends he was being supportive and looking forward to the baby, when in reality I didn't know where he was for weeks.

At the time, I was weak. I was hormonal, and scared. I thought I needed him around. I couldn't see myself parenting alone. But apart from those first few weeks, I am a single parent. But I don't parent alone. I have a great network of family and friends around me. I have an extremely supportive boyfriend, who knows that I'm a grouch in the mornings, and that most of our time together will be at my house after Caelen is gone to bed. Where most men would shy away from the idea of having a relationship with someone who has a child with someone else, he stepped up to the mark, a fact that still makes me smile.

Blame it on the hormones if you will, but back then I thought I wanted the typical family setup. Mom, dad and baby. Living happily ever after. Though when you're in certain situations, there will never be a happily ever after. I wasn't happy with my ex. I just tried to make it work because I wanted Caelen brought up in a proper family. But today, what does make a proper family? 

Caelen has quite a big family. His grandparents, and uncles, who dote on him and watch him so I can go to work. His great-grandparents, and grand aunts and uncles, who he spends time with a couple of times a week. Cousins who love to spend time with him. His great-grand uncle John, who lives next door to us and always has time for fun with him. And fresh eggs and strawberries from his garden. 

So, while I didn't get a stereotypical family unit, I'm better off. I'm not unhappy in a toxic relationship, and that bad relationship isn't affecting Caelen. Instead, he has an extended family to rival any others. I don't think Caelen is lacking in anything because his parents are not together. I can't see how it would affect him in any way, when he doesn't know any different. And if a day does come that he asks questions, I want to be able to be honest with him. Everything I've done, every decision I made, had his best interests at heart. I fought to bring him into this world, and once he's happy and safe that's all that matters to me.

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